18-05 Living in My Own Expectation

Sara Troy on Sara’s View of Life, on air from January 30th.

One has to step outside of one’s life and look at it from the outside in, to find out why one is so lost. For the last thirty-seven and a half years, I have been trying to live up to everybody else’s expectations. I came to Canada a free spirit in Discovery of a new life and I met my husband here. I was a free spirit which he loved for a time, but I could not live up to his expectations what he wanted from me, what he needed from me wasn’t enough to feed him, he fell in love with me for one thing and then that wasn’t enough, so it came to an end when I no longer could live with a disappointment of us destroying each other.

My children each seek something different from me, I wasn’t the apple pie Mom but I was the Mom you brought home when someone who was lost in a conflict or in trouble. I was a home of afternoon teas, I was a home of a sanctuary. I was a mother who would pick my kids up, even in the middle of the night, even their friends, I was there to help them when they were in trouble I was there when they fell and helped them get back up, but yet still there were these needs enough, what about the ones I did not fill, the things that I let them down on, expectations I could not complete?

After my marriage came to an end I had a short time of rediscovery, then I met someone else and for a while/ Our Soul passion was very high then our soul’s intellectual passion took over and that was the end of the relationship, yet again could not fulfil what he desired.

I found my self with my radio interviewing, my calling, my voice, but yet again it is serving others, which I love and committed to, but not serving me with life’s needs and expectations, like security and sanctuary.

I needed to find my Joy for I was not in the enjoyment of life.

Feeling crushed underneath the weight of everyone’s disappointment of everyone’s unfulfilled expectations of me, I needed to leave the city. I needed to find myself in a place when no expectations were placed on me. This is what brought me to Toronto, I had the most wonderful time with my daughter who having been gone for so long it was wonderful to reconnect with her and rediscover each other. Because she was gone for so long, she saw me through different eyes, and I began to see me differently too. Unfortunately for me, she went to New Zealand for a few months, and that all came to an end, for after she was gone it was once again along with myself.

I realized the only expectations that I needed to have were those of my own, it wasn’t about my work or fulfilling everyone else’s need, it wasn’t about my family needs, it wasn’t about my friends or colleges needing something different from me, it was what do I need from me to fulfil me? What are my expectations for me? What are my desire for me, and who am I really from the inside out?

So stepping outside of one’s life and looking in, shows us things so much more clearly, I cannot be what everyone wants me to be, I can only be who I am and I need to be someone I want to be with. I am enough, I do enough, I contribute enough, and I have given enough and if it is not enough for everyone else that is their issue, not mine.

Step outside of your life and look in for it is a very good lesson for one’s self-discovery. I see what I need, what I need to do, who I need to be, who I need to serve, and that at this present moment it is me. For when I am fortitude, living in self-fulfilment, then I will be more able to serve my community without sacrificing me.

So now onto Victoria BC, close enough to my loved ones and friends, but far enough away to have my own independence. I will dedicate the next few months to writing my book and also be taking time to embrace me. I will still be interviewing and updating the site as I go, but not at my health or spirits cost.

I look forward to knowing me in this new arena, Toronto was a great awakener, but too cold and was only there to show me the real me. Now a warmer and smaller arena I look forward to getting to know me more.